Dear Google.....

......no, I was not looking for "Velveteen Rabbit video"...... I was looking for Velveteen Rabbi vidui.

I would greatly appreciate it if you did not try to correct me...sometimes I am already correct.....

Back in the midden....

.....after a long absence.   Thinking it might be A Good Thing to do, to help myself.

So, looking back, I said 2011 was bad....well, 2012 continued in that flavour.

Husband had two more strokes, I had a breakdown, unable to give him the 24 hour care he now needed, and in July 2012 he went into a nursing home.

Fast forward a little, and the nursing home has been in the news for all the wrong reasons: poor care, huge investigation going on.

So, just keeping going.

I want to try to blog a little, often, as I said, to help myself; it's interesting looking at all the links and interests I had ...still have, as Im not sure which to delete, and will take my time thinking about it.... which are either much less relevant or not at all; and many new ones to add.

So, that will be good, to do that. Keep busy, in whatever ways Im able.

long time no post here.....2012 already....

I am so glad to see the back 0f 2011: so much horrible stuff......husband suicidally depressed, then hospitalised(for something else)....breast lump for me, fortunately benign.....I had a stroke, back in - I think - April...and various other difficulties health and home wise....and then my mother killed in a fire in November.

not a good year.

thank heavens for good friends(mainly online...only one remaining 'real life' friend), lovely neighbours who are there to help and support at any time, and a new beginning which came just before my mother's death(more on that in a different blog).... and if it wasn't for her, I would not have it, so for all the unfortunate and difficult things which happened between us, she left me a wonderful legacy which is giving me comfort.

I did a lot of grieving for her long before she actually died: so it still feels surreal and strange, and the manner of her death was terribly upsetting. Her wee cat died with her. I'm going to leave this here now as I'm getting teary again.

all clear

thank the Universe the lump was all clear....should have posted that before now: home stuff as stressful as ever, though....

I am

somewhere between here, and there

I have a lump in my breast(appointment on Monday)

I have a home situation which is increasingly mindblowingly stressful

so that's about it, really.

I love my cat. He asks so little, and gives so much

why?

do people have more people?

ie why do people have children?

joan sutherland

sad to hear of her passing; I hope she's enjoying a cocktail with my dear friend Henry who was a great fan

nice wee things today

- my favourite ever Frasier: the one with Patrick Stewart
- an unexpected Tannhauser with a wonderful Wolfram
- a classic Likely Lads: avoiding the score

these are wee things which brighten and help me keep going.

cat today

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

sudden realisation.....

....I have been and still am spreading myself too thinly(gotta love adverbs)........

somethin's gotta give
somethin's gotta give
somethin's gotta give...........

so here's to me....... :)

damn, I posted in the wrong place

say what?

hypothetically.....

what happens when the person is not the same person anymore.........

what brought them together is greatly lost....

for better or worse....

I stay, I try, I silently scream.....

maybe it's me? Some days easier than others. No-one to talk to(online friends, thank the universe: you know who you are). I am not cut out for this, That is not an excuse; it is a fact. I am working against myself.

How is it possible to love and hate the same person at the same time?

oh, may the powers that be forgive me but I needed to say that somewhere,and a random notebook didn't do it; it had to be in a place where there was the possibility of someone seeing it, reading it, and therefore allowing myself to be judged.

Always have been, always will be, sod it.

I think I remember a line from a Chrissie Hynde song: "It's a thin line between love and hate". Vacillates.

I know that there are so many more people so much worse off than I am, but right here, right now, I am so........weary.

It's like a constant drip, drip, srip, against stone.....wearing me down; the endless moaning and grumbling and I want to scream SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then ofn course the row after daring to say something like that,and the risk of upsetting him, and and and and and and and and...........

I shall post this before I chicken out and say how thankful(sorry but 'grateful' still sticks in my throat) I am that I have this place to say this.

Tp anyone who read this, thank you.

och.....

....damn, but I'm missing the cycling today........

three craws at the Open

well, there were only two.....but allow for some artistic license......

three craws sat upon a wa'
sat upon a wa'
sat upon a wa - a - a- a........
three craws sat upon a wa'
on a windy east course golf course

the first craw went lookin' fur his ba'
looking' fur his ba'
lookin' fur his ba-a-a-a-
the first craw went looking' fur his ba'
on an an east course windy golf course

the second craw said 'Calcavecchi-aw'
'Calcavecchi-aw'
'Calecavecchi-aw-aw-aw-aw'
the second craw said 'Calcavecchi-aw'
on a windy east course golf course

The third craw said 'ANYONE AT A'!
ANYONE AT A'!
ANYONE AT A-A--A-A'
The third craw said
''ANYONE AT A'!!!!!!!!!!!
OTHER THAN THAT WOODS MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

half and half

I should know better than to set myself a challenge..my head doesn't work that way :)

so, given that the Tour is now half way through, and I am in the middle of the foot of one green and one yellow, I think I'll end up with a pair of one green and one yellow.

and why not.......

Tour de France

exciting, wonderful, inspiring, distracting, delightful, wonderful, colourful, and so much more......

last year: one pair of multicoloured socks(the Peleton)
this year: three pairs: yellow, green, and red/white(wish I could do spots but alas no..nearest I can get is mix)

oh I don't know what ........

friend of dh died........ weird feelings. Very very weird.

the loving of, and by, a cat

is different; this little soul depends on me, and that helps keep me going. If not for him it would be very easy to let go.

I know I have little to complain about in comparison to others, and in fact I am not complaining: just saying how it is.

How it is, is..........it gets no easier.

thank you

(((((((((((((((((((((((((( Heather ))))))))))))))))))))))

just how it is

I feel played out.

That apart, adding crochet cat blankets to my list of 'the only things I'm good for'.