Thursday, 14 October 2010

joan sutherland

sad to hear of her passing; I hope she's enjoying a cocktail with my dear friend Henry who was a great fan

nice wee things today

- my favourite ever Frasier: the one with Patrick Stewart
- an unexpected Tannhauser with a wonderful Wolfram
- a classic Likely Lads: avoiding the score

these are wee things which brighten and help me keep going.

Monday, 6 September 2010

sudden realisation.....

....I have been and still am spreading myself too thinly(gotta love adverbs)........

somethin's gotta give
somethin's gotta give
somethin's gotta give...........

so here's to me....... :)

Monday, 23 August 2010

damn, I posted in the wrong place

say what?


what happens when the person is not the same person anymore.........

what brought them together is greatly lost....

for better or worse....

I stay, I try, I silently scream.....

maybe it's me? Some days easier than others. No-one to talk to(online friends, thank the universe: you know who you are). I am not cut out for this, That is not an excuse; it is a fact. I am working against myself.

How is it possible to love and hate the same person at the same time?

oh, may the powers that be forgive me but I needed to say that somewhere,and a random notebook didn't do it; it had to be in a place where there was the possibility of someone seeing it, reading it, and therefore allowing myself to be judged.

Always have been, always will be, sod it.

I think I remember a line from a Chrissie Hynde song: "It's a thin line between love and hate". Vacillates.

I know that there are so many more people so much worse off than I am, but right here, right now, I am so........weary.

It's like a constant drip, drip, srip, against stone.....wearing me down; the endless moaning and grumbling and I want to scream SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then ofn course the row after daring to say something like that,and the risk of upsetting him, and and and and and and and and...........

I shall post this before I chicken out and say how thankful(sorry but 'grateful' still sticks in my throat) I am that I have this place to say this.

Tp anyone who read this, thank you.

Wednesday, 21 July 2010


....damn, but I'm missing the cycling today........

Saturday, 17 July 2010

three craws at the Open

well, there were only two.....but allow for some artistic license......

three craws sat upon a wa'
sat upon a wa'
sat upon a wa - a - a- a........
three craws sat upon a wa'
on a windy east course golf course

the first craw went lookin' fur his ba'
looking' fur his ba'
lookin' fur his ba-a-a-a-
the first craw went looking' fur his ba'
on an an east course windy golf course

the second craw said 'Calcavecchi-aw'
the second craw said 'Calcavecchi-aw'
on a windy east course golf course

The third craw said 'ANYONE AT A'!
The third craw said
''ANYONE AT A'!!!!!!!!!!!
OTHER THAN THAT WOODS MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

Thursday, 15 July 2010

half and half

I should know better than to set myself a head doesn't work that way :)

so, given that the Tour is now half way through, and I am in the middle of the foot of one green and one yellow, I think I'll end up with a pair of one green and one yellow.

and why not.......

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Tour de France

exciting, wonderful, inspiring, distracting, delightful, wonderful, colourful, and so much more......

last year: one pair of multicoloured socks(the Peleton)
this year: three pairs: yellow, green, and red/white(wish I could do spots but alas no..nearest I can get is mix)

Sunday, 20 June 2010

Friday, 18 June 2010

the loving of, and by, a cat

is different; this little soul depends on me, and that helps keep me going. If not for him it would be very easy to let go.

I know I have little to complain about in comparison to others, and in fact I am not complaining: just saying how it is.

How it is, gets no easier.

Sunday, 6 June 2010

thank you

(((((((((((((((((((((((((( Heather ))))))))))))))))))))))

Monday, 31 May 2010

just how it is

I feel played out.

That apart, adding crochet cat blankets to my list of 'the only things I'm good for'.

Tuesday, 25 May 2010


at the doctor, for a review and chat.......needed to talk about some crappy stuff; and I said to him that I thought that all I was good at doing was loving my cat and knitting socks.

And he said - can't remember the exact words, but something like this: that those were two very good contributions to make to the world.

I couldn't have asked for a better response.

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

just thinking......

.....what a pretty wee lass Madonna was in her early career.... cute Sarah Beeny is when she wrinkles her nose in the Landlord Insurance ad.......... much I admire Leonard Cohen, in so many ways.......

Thursday, 13 May 2010


for all the help and hugs in the recent situation

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

comfort foods

some of mine, in no particular order, and definitely not all together :)

Ambrosia rice pudding(NOT low fat)

Heinz Tomato soup


mashed potatoes with lots of butter

toast and marmalade(Golden Shred)


roast potatoes

the skinny wee kid bars of Dairy Milk


white chocolate

bacon sandwiches(but only a daydream unless I fall off the veggie wagon)

to be added to.........

just own home made soup, when I can be bothered to make it

Monday, 12 April 2010


I have that 'Feedjit' thing on the blog, and when I saw a visit from Oshawa, it gave me such a good memory of a friend who had relatives there..

(that said, it's lovely to see all the folks who visit.thank you so much)

thank you all .... :)

Monday, 5 April 2010

sweet dreams

in amongst the usual crappy recurring stuff, last night had a couple of very sweet moments; one, where Amelie patted me on the shoulder and congratulated me on winning a darts tournament, and the other, where I met my first (and unrequited)love N.(aged around fourteen, and she never knew), and discovered that she loved me too..this both of us as the age we are now.

so, it's good to concentrate on those parts rather than the other stuff.

Monday, 22 February 2010


just been watching some old music videos from then and remember what a shitty, awful, messed up year that was for me......

Thursday, 18 February 2010

not forgetting.....

....Leanna and yarnsnob.......thank you ......

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

to those who made a difference

you made me feel alive, not dead.
and Colin knows the lovely love
of Persian cats.......... I thank you, luv.

I changed my name to get away
From those who made me 'me' today:
I'm Alex, now, and then forever -
They'll never get me now:, no, NEVER

So thank you, all, who helped and healed me:
Please know I feel it all, believe me;
Whatever happens now,my friends
At least I'll be myself. No end.

to all who have helped me, recent and past, thank you


oh what a mess my life has been
what point, what point, I cannot see;
I've given little, taken much
and really see no point in such

I care not that that this isn't 'good'
('real' poetry? as if I could!)
it's just some thoughts that sit and find
themselves all stewing round inside my mind

my three sweet Persian girls are gone -
I may or may not later on
meet them again, in sweeter places:
now, I feel their loss. No rhyme.

The little ginger boy who's here -
he's got my heart, no fear, no fear!
I don't know what I'd do without him:
he keeps me going, loving, living

I'm older than my years would say -
I can't see farther than today:
what when and where will I become?
Or nothing, nothing, nothing, numb?

I like this......

......a quote from a commentator(male) during today's tennis on Eurosport.....

"My favourite quote: "No pain.......great!"

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

thank you.....and thank you.......

thank you, dear friends, for taking the time and trouble and effort to send me your thoughts and words of comfort: it IS a comfort to know that there are people who understand and know what it's like. I do so very much appreciate it.

I hadn't intended, but I'm sending a thank you to the universe for showing me a very brief - two, three seconds? - glimpse of my amazing beloved Amelie Mauresmo, still as wonderful as ever, from the 'behind the scenes' at the tennis in Paris, as I'm watching tonight: it made me feel so good just to see her and know she is there, still rockin'!

That's a very very personal thing that I don't have words for, but it was such an unexpected and sweet moment that I wanted to say so.

Monday, 1 February 2010


I don't feel like or want to post this, but feel that I need to.

On Thursday we lost the last of our three sistergirl Persians......Socks, the last to go. Nearly fifteen years. All three within eighteen months or so. Sudden and heartbreaking and no more words right now.

All my wee lassies, in cat heaven together. Tears again.

Sunday, 17 January 2010


Today's "Sunday Times" has a free dvd of "The Piano", and I really wanted it....we don't always get a paper. Anyway, that and a couple of other messages needed to be got; I was getting ready to go this morning, and I could feel the tingling in my fingers and the tight throat and chest that comes when I get the "Don't want to go out" feeling(that's not a good description: it's not about wanting or not wanting, but I can't think of a better word for now so it'll have to do)

A. was up and had been thinking of going out himself, and said he'd go, and it would have been SO easy to say yes, and let him do it.....not far, not much to get, and so on....but I made myself carry on getting ready.

and just as I was ready to go, realised I still had my slippers had to stop and put on socks and shoes......

I'd intended to show off the new Bob socks, but also knew I had to get myself out out out before I backed down, and so put on a pair of Jitterbug pink and purple(can't remember the name)because they were lying ready (er, waiting to be washed....dirty wee midden...) and my black Mary Janes and headed out with the wicker shopping trolley.

Starting off down the road......sunny, chilly, but a pleasant morning; and I began to feel it ease a little, though not completely. Went down the High Street to the paper shop first, and got this month's Yarn Forward, and my Sunday Times, and another one which had a pattern to knit a cuddly Bob the Builder(the wee boy downstairs loves B the B and I'd love to knit him one)

Then on round to the supermarket, and got my bits and pieces, and the feeling had gone......

I sat outside to sort out the messages when I'd finished, and just to have a wee think and relax. I like to do that - just calms me a bit. Sometimes I sing Hare Krishna(out loud). That calms me, too :)

By this time I was really knackered and slowing up, and sore, and tortoised my way home.

For anyone(UK) who has a Tesco nearby, those big canvassy bags with ladybirds on are great for stash storage. Also used as a scratching post when full!

I was thinking as I wandered home - I was dressed head to toe in my own knits. Not every item, but literally from head to toe:

hat in Lorna's Laces SS rainbow(just a beanie)
scarf in LLSS Red Rover(Old Shale)
long fingerless mitts in Jitterbug Mardi Gras
socks in Jitterbug bright pink/purple(can't remember name)

nothing really matched, and yet they all did, in a weird way...reds picking up reds picking up pinks picking up purples and blues.......gave me a good feeling, anyway, and that's all that matters.

other thing - jings this is a long post; well, I did say I was going to write more........anyway, today I have the racing mind a bit; I do get this, up and down, and it made me wonder if the fact that my body can't (due to fibro/HMS/ME and some other things) race along with my mind, does that mean my mind races even more to compensate? Just a thought........

right .... time to didg through the stash for Bob the Builder bits :)

Thursday, 14 January 2010

socks: one pair, two singles

Wollmeise Thriller
top to ankle in k2p2 rib, then st st foot. Loved the pooling on the leg - that's why I did it in rib(prefer st st)
needles: two circs 2.5mm
cast on 64 st

same sock, another view;
to show the stripy st st foot

and again..view from the pooling and striping....

Lorna's Laces Sheperd Sock Devon, k2p2 cuff, st st for the rest. 2 circs 2.75mm 60 st

and now for the pair :)
Wollmeise Bob WD
short k2p2 cuff, then st st all the way. Colours make me think of autumn ......Cox's Orange Pippin Apples.
Again 2 circs 2.5 64st.

I'm finding that my Wollmeise 'fit' :)

by the by......the feet are mine.....long and very thin: size 8 UK. I have a pointy slanty toe and like doing an inside out three needle cast off on 16 st(8 on each needle)

Sunday, 10 January 2010

agoraphobia and sandals and socks, oh my......

.......not a resolution, just a realisation and an idea that might help and motivate me.

I used to think that agoraphobia meant that you don't go out - at all. It doesn't. I've got it. I'm also doing what I can to try to help myself.

At the moment, in all aspects of my life(mental. emotional, physical, spiritual) knitting is helping me keep going. I've also come to the conclusion(always knew really) that I'm not terribly good at big things.......and since I love making socks, they are perfect to make. For me, of course :)

And.....I got some wonderful Doc Marten sandals in the sales(several pairs for the price of one)......and then the thought came to me, like putting two and two together: sandals and socks: and then I thought, hmmmmm......that might encourage me to go out a little more; lovely new sandals to make all kinds of socks to show off......

just out locally, nothing spectacular: but OUT.

So I get to make my favourite thing to help myself...sounds good to me.

Oh, and I have Wollmeise, and some Sanguine Gryphon.....

Have finished one pair already and am charging up the camera so i hope to put pics up - please come back and have a look....the colourway reminds me of Cox's Orange Pippin apples......Wollmeise.....

got lots of others on the go - I like to have several different things at different stages/levels of difficulty(though most being simple stocking stitch: just knitting and loving it, the smooth motion being soothing in itself)

so, a bit of a to follow, with luck......

Thursday, 7 January 2010

First Post of 2010

lots I want to say......but a brief one for now: firstly wishing all who read here a very happy and healthy New Year, and thanks for visiting.

Today brought the first mail we have had for over a week......combination of New Year and the weather, I guess; but a lovely combination of Wollmeise, Sanguine Gryphon, a sock book, and a Star Trek notebook.

A great mix of my favourite things :)

More thoughts soon......I really do want to do this more often; it helps me to think things through, sort my thoughts, and just generally feel as though I do actually exist.......sometimes I wonder ;)