random ramble

struggling a bit today....what with, just myself; last week I sent a 'cut-off' letter to the vampire. I thought long and hard and left it written for several days before posting it.

anyway, I did, and felt a sense of calmness and detachment afterwards..and I think that's leaving me a little now. I don't know WHAT I feel, just that it's not particularly pleasant: but that's ok.

I wish I had an 'off' switch so that I could mute the sounds around me......very sensitive to noise at the best of times, and even more so when I'm in the midst of anything emotional. It's fine if it's my own noise of choosing - as in, if I'm listening to music on headphones; but every little rustle, every clink of a knife and fork on a plate, all the everyday sounds..they are magnified to a nreve shattering level(and earplugs don't do the trick - it's still there, just muffled a little)

and I just don't feel like speaking, and don't want to appear rude, or try to explain myself(which I couldn't anyway).....

but the bunnies in the draft box are well fed.. ;)

memo to myself

I am useful
I am not worthless
I matter

Today I did a washing, swept the carpet, and made a spaghetti sauce for dinner, as well as other little things. I made myself get on with it.

So, I made an effort to feel useful; perhaps not a great amount of things in the great scheme of the universe, but nevertheless something.

I am sorting through my stash and looking at various ideas; I have started one or two things and am continuing with others.

I am keeping going.

Still the feeling of being lost and alone and so tired of it all persists. Trying my best to resist it.

Feel guilty for feeling like tbis, for grumbling. That doesn't make the feeling go away - it just compounds the guilt I feel over feeling this way in the first place.......

ok, mentally treading water, trying my best not to allow myself to become overwhelmed, and keeping going.

physical pain. ongoing and chronic, and fed up with it.

Missing my Duchess, missing H. Trying not to think about the death of those dear to me, past and future.

what a cheerful wee midden......

emotional meltdown

today is proving to be a very difficult day......without going into specifics, a long term and very problematic relationship with a close family member has taken a turn for the worse, and I am left with very few options; one being having another breakdown(this person was the root cause of one a few years back), the other being my having to accept that perhaps there is no solution other than cutting my ties, for the sake of my sanity.

This may sound melodramatic, but is not - it's a question of survival.

Heavy hearted and very upset, and considering what to do.....