Wednesday, 28 January 2009

several days........

first of all, it may seem that all I ever do is grumble here......which may have some truth to it, as I use this place to vent and help myself a little: but, please, if you have time and inclination, do have a look at some of the links, especially the miscellany one......lots of interesting things to explore, including free downloads of every tv theme you can think of, highly addictive and very simple free games(orisinal) and many other things scattered about, on tennis, asperger's, knitting and other things .

so you see, it's not all moans and groans - also a repository of cyber bric-a-brac ;)

anyway.........the state of play right now:

- waiting for the other shoe to drop in the emotional vamp situation

- trouble at the weekend with new neighbours, which left me really distressed and disturbed

- considering moving house, and just the thought of that is stressful in itself

- a theoretical pleasant afternoon out yesterday(my first time out in the car for weeks) which turned into a nightmare, when the car gave up in the middle of the A1(which is a terrifying shit of a road as many people will know)....... no hard shoulder or layby or even strip of concrete to pull over onto: just a tiny bit of rubble beside a steep and very slippy grass verge........called AA - fortunately I had my mobile; but the sound of the traffic whizzing past was so bad I couldn't hear if I'd got through or not, so called police also...couldn't hear them either: called back and faintly heard policeman telling me to get into the car(which was not what I wanted to do, but did) so that I could hear on the phone......long story short, towed home by the AA complete with police escort......what a relaxing afternoon out :(

- already having tooth problems with a wisdom tooth coming in at each side(at the age of 53, am not impressed)and last night broke one of my front teeth: owwwwwwww.........fortunately had a dental appointment due so have got that covered, I hope......

- and just for the icing on the cake, a doctor's appointment on Monday to discuss tests for MS..........been explored before, more symptoms, need to see about it again.........

Sunday, 25 January 2009

today's useful thing

swept, cleaned and mopped the kitchen floor, and chucked out a grotty rug. Doesn't seem like much, but is today's 'I am useful' thing. (I do think that 'I am useful' sounds better than 'I am not useless')

thanks, Heather........ ;)

Saturday, 24 January 2009

'discovering' Radiohead

"I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here -
I don't belong here"

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

just a thought...

you know in the Peanuts cartoons, where Lucy holds the ball and pulls it away just as Charlie Brown kicks? That's what it's like with the emotional vampire.......I'm Charlie, keeping coming back for more, and she's Lucy..........

Friday, 16 January 2009

Star Trek saves the day for me/Klingons to the rescue........

.......just gave myself a smile: noticed I wrote 'boy crying worf' and of course it should be 'wolf'........'l' and 'r' aren't even close on the keyboard so I guess you could call that a Trekkian slip....... :)

she's back.......

....the emotional vampire: after allowing myself to be lulled into a false sense of 'security'(ie wishhful thinking) I got a letter today which is back to the same old, same old.......the boy crying worf scenario.

how much sense that makes to anyone I'm not sure but it's such a complex background that I can't begin to put it clearly in my head, let alone words or here. Suffice to say that after a long talk with my shrink several years ago, and describing the situation, he not only agreed with me but also understood my feeling this way and helped me feel ok about it.

for the moment I am doing nothing.......but I need to do SOMETHING and the time is approaching where I may have to cut off completely. Not easy when it is your mother.........

Sunday, 11 January 2009

thank you......


Saturday, 10 January 2009

memo to myself

I am useful
I am not worthless
I matter

Today I did a washing, swept the carpet, and made a spaghetti sauce for dinner, as well as other little things. I made myself get on with it.

So, I made an effort to feel useful; perhaps not a great amount of things in the great scheme of the universe, but nevertheless something.

I am sorting through my stash and looking at various ideas; I have started one or two things and am continuing with others.

I am keeping going.

Still the feeling of being lost and alone and so tired of it all persists. Trying my best to resist it.

Feel guilty for feeling like tbis, for grumbling. That doesn't make the feeling go away - it just compounds the guilt I feel over feeling this way in the first place.......

ok, mentally treading water, trying my best not to allow myself to become overwhelmed, and keeping going.

physical pain. ongoing and chronic, and fed up with it.

Missing my Duchess, missing H. Trying not to think about the death of those dear to me, past and future.

what a cheerful wee midden......

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

resolutions, and other things

inspiration from Knitty match my stash to patterns, and (try) not to buy any more wool(yes, I still think of it as wool, whatever it's made of......trying to make myself say yarn, but am not there yet)

so, made a start this afternoon, and it was good, the creative spark and juices flowing a bit, which was nice.

I've also started some crochet, which I'm liking; love the clover hooks, and the gorgeous knitpicks wooden one......

on another note: treated myself to some square circulars(from the US) and am finding them impossible to use: notn because of the squareness, ut because the cable is far too flexible - it's like trying to knit with cooked spaghetti. I know cables need to be flexible, but this is just impossible(for me) to use.......anyone else out there tried them?

just been playing a cd.....I'm going to blog about it on my other blog(yes, I have another one!) which is music based.....for anyone who might be interested, it's called

Colonel Carter's Cello

and with that I'll just wish a very happy new year and all the best to my 'regular suspects'(that's a compliment...from 'Casablanca')and to anyone who looks in or posts ...... you are most welcome here, thank you for visiting, and please do drop by again, either here, or over at the Cello..........