Amelie Mauresmo announces retirement

sad, though not altogether unexpected: a wonderful player, a beautiful person both inside and out. Will be sadly missed.

WOLLMEISE sale for charity

Ebay Item number:130346288291

I'm selling this skein to raise as much money as I can for the SSPCA........please, have a look ...... would make a lovely gist for any knitter(yourself?).....Christmas is coming...... ;)

also selling one on Ravelry in the Wollmeiseholics Anonymous group ......

bid bid bid bid.......please...... ;)

free postage anywhere!

Wollmeise

Johannisbeer und Brennessel Twin sock

got some lace too.... :)

Last night's dreams......

from the sublime......
Amelie Mauresmo....sigh.....

to the ridiculous.....
Alex Ferguson......!

a speck of joy

on the way back from the supermarket early this afternoon......

while in there, earplugs: vital to keep out the squeals.....

then afterwards, outside, taking them out, and walking, slowly, walking, plus wicker wheelie shopper behind me, plus stick.....feeling the wind blow through me, looking up and seeing the leaves and hearing the shusshing as the wind moved through them......

remembered how much I have always loved that sound, and offered up my speck of joy - for that's the thought image which came to mind at that moment - to the universe, to pass on as s/he/it sees fit.......

should have said.........

.just so good to be meeeeeeeeeeeeeee.......................

the first!

I suppose...real post from Alex(try as I might, I can't get that not to sound as though I'm talking in the third person...........WHICH I HATE .....and I'm not,and don't mean it that way)

anyway.......got flu, getting over flu, and just got a flu jag. Now ther's a combination(added to the fibro and M.E. etc)

I love being Alex, though.......it's braw, so it is, as Paw Broon might say...or Maw Broon.......

BIG DECISION.........................

PUTTING IT INTO PRINT MAKES IT MORE REAL..........


TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, AND FOR VARIOUS REASONS:
I AM NO LONGER CLAIRE: MY NAME IS NOW ALEX

Lucy and me

"The Ballad of Lucy Jordan"

ABBREVIATED & PERSONALISED: FOR ORIGINAL, SEE:

Colonel Carter's Cello

"The morning sun touched lightly on
the eyes of Lucy Jordan
In a white suburban bedroom
in a white suburban town"

(been there, done that......many times...)

"And she lay there neath the covers
dreaming of a thousand lovers
til the world turned to orange
and the room went spinning round"

(and again...)

"At the age of 37
she realized she'd never ride
through Paris in a sports car...."

(I did........in a Cortina; aged 21)

"with the warm wind in her hair..."

(well, down to Ayrshire, in a sportscar, many times.......)

"So she let the phone keep ringing......"

(I always do, now; that's reality.......)

"as she sat there softly singing......."

(I often do, now)

'in her Daddy's easy chair...."

(mine never had one)

"Her husband he's off to work......."

(yes, used to be like that)

"and the kids are off to school....."

(never had any)

"and there were oh so many ways
for her to spend her days....."

(lost count...............)

"She could clean the house for hours....."

(yeah, right)

"or rearrange the flowers...."

(hate cut flowers)

"or run naked through the shady street
screaming all the way....."

(NOW THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.......)

"The evening sun touched gently on
the eyes of Lucy Jordan
on the rooftop where she climbed
when all the laughter grew too loud....."

(it does, it does, too frequently.......)

may the rest never happen........

words fail me........

Lord Martin of Springburn..........

holy smoke, to put it politely.......

the 'only' cat

Socks/Socrates/Stardust/Mrs Wonderful/Nibbler..........she's the one now ruling the house with the iron paw. She sits waiting for her breakfast with an imperious air; she seems to be happy to have her Mammy and Daddy waiting on her every need.......

long may she reign......

just trying to look to the future; she may well become an 'Auntie' but for now she is a wee spoiled old lady puss, and loving it.......

too much too much too much too much too much

"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

bits and pieces

just some random stuff.......I can't bear the past one being the post I keep seeing when I look at my blog - don't want to delete it, glad I wrote it, but just need to write something more.......

so - some random stuff, like I said.

Something I find really irritating.....when names are shortened (eg "Corrie" for "Coronation Street"; "Strictly" for "Strictly Come Dancing".and more)

My favourite ever piece of graffiti, seen on the back of a grotty mucky lorry, waiting at the traffic lights outside the Commonwealth Pool in Edinburgh, years ago.......written in the dust:

"FOLLOW ME - I KNOW WHERE DONALD'S TROOSERS ARE!"

(ref. the song "Donald, where's yer Troosers?" for anyone who doesn't know)

That cracked me up and still does.

Ok, let's see, what else.......can't think: that'll do for now......

but a huge big thank you for all the love and support....

in loving memory of a sweet fur baby

as some friends know, we had a complete litter of kittens, just over fourteen years ago, and Dear Duchess crossed the rainbow bridge a year ago....and I'm still not over that.

Last Monday, my dear husbadnd's birthday(76), who has been through two strokes and a brain haemmorhage, we had to have out beloved Toty put to sleep. She was his 'wee pal'.

she was......a particularly loving girl, a tomboy, a character, a daddy's girl; she would bring back a ball thrown for her, more like a wee sheepdog than a cat, but all cat for all that; she was brave and daring and beautiful and we loved her with all our hearts.

what do you do.......keep going; Socks, her sister, the Last of the Mohicans, is here and needing her own brand of love and cuddles. Not a cuddle cat; Toty had 'wee cuddles'(on my lap) or 'big cuddles'(on my shoulder and breast).

I love/d them all, Socks, Toty and the Duchess; and am right now mourning my sweet baby girl tomboy who gave so much and asked so little.

She was a 'disabled' cat - she needed constant care as she had had a corneal ulcer(due to veterinary misdiagnosis) when she was less than a year old, and for her whole life I had to make sure she had Viscotears at least once a day, and constant eye care.

I have lost someone who meant more to me than many people.

tuesday poem

oh life confusing
bewildering
frustrating
moments of panic
moments of nice
moments of memories long ago,
yet clear as though they are today.......

keep going keep going keep going
don't know the destination

Wollmeise

oh happy day....... got a Hertzblut on the update yesterday; I never seem to catch the updates, and to get such a gorgeous colour......... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mick Jagger done me wrong.......

in the kitchen, radio on, decided to do some 'gentle exercise'........ ie moving to the music. Big mistake when trying to do a bit of movement a la Mick Jagger - ow ow ow ow ow........sore shoulder..... blame it on Brown Sugar.......

Mambo No. 5 Revisited

(a nod to Lou Bega's song "Mambo No. 5"..... just for me....)


a little bit of Amelie in my life
a little bit of k.d. by my side
a little bit of Rhona's all I need
a little bit of Hillary's what I see
a little bit of Xena in the sun
a little bit of Carter all night long
a little bit of Seven - here I am.......
a little bit of Hothead......Paisan!

Dr. Crusher's warp bubble

"The severity of agoraphobia varies enormously between sufferers from those who are housebound, even room-bound, to those who can travel specific distances within a defined boundary."

for some time(think years) I've had an increasing feeling that I had agoraphobia, but thought it meant only those who were unable to leave the house...... so told myself no, it can't be.

however, the distance I can safely(as in without anxiety) travel has been gradually getting less and less....and the occasions less and less.

yesterday I had one of those lightbulb moments - the episode of Star Trek: the next Generation where Beverly is caught in Wesley's warp bubble, and her 'universe' is contracting.......and that's exactly how I feel.

I had a surf and found the quote at the start of this post..... so, it seems I 'qualify'.......

now for more thought and search for information.......

in the meantime, it's ok to be in my own wee warp bubble: just knowing that will - hopefully - slow down or even stop it from contracting any further......

and even if this doesn't make sense to anyone else(though I suspect it will......), it does to me, and that is the main thing, ain't it?

to be continued........

boldly go

result just in.......

Three cheers for Marion Bartoli!

a favourite poem

THE SONG OF WANDERING AENGUS

by: W.B. Yeats

WENT out to the hazel wood,

Because a fire was in my head,

And cut and peeled a hazel wand,

And hooked a berry to a thread;

And when white moths were on the wing,

And moth-like stars were flickering out,

I dropped the berry in a stream

And caught a little silver trout.

When I had laid it on the floor

I went to blow the fire a-flame,

But something rustled on the floor,

And some one called me by my name:

It had become a glimmering girl

With apple blossom in her hair

Who called me by my name and ran

And faded through the brightening air.

Though I am old with wandering

Through hollow lands and hilly lands,

I will find out where she has gone,

And kiss her lips and take her hands;

And walk among long dappled grass,

And pluck till time and times are done

The silver apples of the moon,

The golden apples of the sun.

Random thoughts

some more important than others......

and in no particular order.........

- Stargate jumped the shark(for me) when Jack O'Neill left(much as I adore Colonel Carter)

http://www.tvguide.com/jumptheshark

- I really really enjoyed the Tour de France this year; always do, but this year much more so; more than Wimbledon......

- I had a psychic connection with my dear husband today which showed me the fear he is feeling.......don't wish to go into detail, but I wished I could hold him close and just comfort him; unfortunately that is not his thing, so I couldn't: but it gave me a big insight......and I'm very grateful for that......he is, was, and always will be the love of my life, and we have been to hell and back together; I consider myself extremely fortunate to have this connection.......

- I want/need/intend to get(when appropriate) a kitten: still grieving for my glorious beautiful Duchess, never to be replaced, and have her two lovely old lady sisters: but I have a need to be a caregiver to a new young life too: only when appropriate, and I have no idea when that will be(very likely not for some time) but just knowing that that is there for me will be such a good feeling. A wee feline spirit, waiting for me, somewhere out there.........will also help me deal with the letting go process of old age, knowing that I can give a loving home to a wee one ......and this may sound daft, but I know 'the one' is there, waiting, waiting.........

- so.......make a start on tidying up, and kittenproofing the house....now, that's what I call an incentive.......

and to all who have ever visited and read here, thank you from the bottom of my heart.......

The Question: How am I doing?

The answer: The Four of Cups

In some situations, you must focus on yourself. When life is too stressful, you need to devote time and energy to yourself or you will feel swamped. The Four of Cups can represent a positive period of self-reflection and renewal. By taking the time to go within to dream, muse and reflect, you restore your emotional balance.

with thanks to: T

100th blog entry

just realised that yesterday was my 100th blog entry. Wow.....that is a lot, for me :)

Dylan

There must be some way out of here
Said the joker to the thief
There's too much confusion
I can't get no relief

from "All Along the Watchtower" (Bob Dylan)

Dorothy Parker

Resumé

Razors pain you; Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give;
Gas smells awful; You might as well live.

1919-1929 By Dorothy Parker

today......Wollmeise!

got this.....and it is gorgeous......colour, smell. touch, everything.......ooooohhhhh.......grand way to brighten myself up......

support

today I'll try to catch up.......have been feeling and acting a little 'hermitty'...... today I'll try to catch up with the good friends who give me love and support, and let them know how much I appreciate it...and even as I write this, I know they will understand my lack of contact, and that makes them all the more precious......

it helps to tell people that I appreciate them - need them; and I need to remind myself not to curl up into a ball and retreat(well, at least maybe not to do it quite so much or so often)

you know who you are.......thank you......

random ramble

struggling a bit today....what with, just myself; last week I sent a 'cut-off' letter to the vampire. I thought long and hard and left it written for several days before posting it.

anyway, I did, and felt a sense of calmness and detachment afterwards..and I think that's leaving me a little now. I don't know WHAT I feel, just that it's not particularly pleasant: but that's ok.

I wish I had an 'off' switch so that I could mute the sounds around me......very sensitive to noise at the best of times, and even more so when I'm in the midst of anything emotional. It's fine if it's my own noise of choosing - as in, if I'm listening to music on headphones; but every little rustle, every clink of a knife and fork on a plate, all the everyday sounds..they are magnified to a nreve shattering level(and earplugs don't do the trick - it's still there, just muffled a little)

and I just don't feel like speaking, and don't want to appear rude, or try to explain myself(which I couldn't anyway).....

but the bunnies in the draft box are well fed.. ;)

this and that, sort of......

so the M.S. situation is for now 'just M.E., still'....revisit it in a few months after trying a treatment for the new symptom....so far the side effects are not all that pleasant but I'll persevere......

the situation with the emotional vampire has reached 'critical mass'/'saturation point'.....or some expression like that: I have my final letter drafted out and ready to post.....

and I have realised that having worn my own knitted socks, I couldn't go back to 'ordinary': I had washed all my hand knitted ones, my feet were cold, so I put on a pair of shop socks and couldn't bear the feeling - just horrible; so my feet are sock spoiled ;)

it's quite incredible the difference in feel, touch, fit, just everything; actually, makes me feel quite good about my sock knitting: it might not be perfect, but then neither are my (long thin) feet.......and I seem to get by ok.......

home made socks and Doc Martens(boots or shoes) for comfort I say......

this and that

still elated for Amelie.....she has(wisely in my view) withdrawn from this week's Dubai tournament, as she would have had no chance to rest before playing again)

lovely picture of her in 'The Advocate'.....black and white; not read the article yet: just got it today, at Borders. Another addition to the Momorabilia box :)

Speaking of Dubai.....Shahar Peer, the Israeli player, has been refused a visa to play - the WTA's rules say that no country should refuse another player entry because of *their* country....meanwhile she will probably be given extra ranking points, no-one will do anything(boycott? as if........)and not much else if anything will be heard about it......hmph.......

I'm psyching myself up for a doctor's appointment on Friday, to discuss(again) the possibility of MS......more symptoms since the last time of discussion, a couple of years back, so we shall see.....

anyone who has any extra thoughts or prayers or anything of that nature, please send in this direction, for a bit of courage for me to keep the appointment in the first place, and try to get a bit of progress when I'm there.......I'm not religious but would like to think that there is something somewhere that's compassionate and helpful - not in a micro managing sort of way, but in a way I haven't the means to understand, if that makes sense....call it the Universe, the Powers That Be, whatever.....

oh, and I've started the scarlet Amelie socks! Watch this space........ ;)

SHE'S DONE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I waited, and watched, day by day, as she won, first one match, then the next day, again, and decided I couldn''t bring myself to post about it - as though I would jinx it or something.......

and so......

today......

the winner of today's final in Paris is.........

AMELIE MAURESMO

and what a wonderful sight it was; the whole match was a thriller, three sets of first class tennis...... and she won, and the emotions were flowing(here too) and it was lovely.

thrilling, in every way. I'm so pleased for her.

and......bought some scarlet alpaca(in hopeful anticipation) and will be making slouchy tube socks - comfy for relaxing after a hard match(and quicker and easier from the point of view of no heel: no worries about whether they will fit or not)

bliss.

afternoon delight

watching Amelie Mauresmo, playing like she did when she was at her best, dressed in my favourite shade of red, and looking magnificent......

afternoon delight in the midst of the chaos in my head: eye of the storm stuff and all that. Just wonderful.

allez, Amelie!

several days........

first of all, it may seem that all I ever do is grumble here......which may have some truth to it, as I use this place to vent and help myself a little: but, please, if you have time and inclination, do have a look at some of the links, especially the miscellany one......lots of interesting things to explore, including free downloads of every tv theme you can think of, highly addictive and very simple free games(orisinal) and many other things scattered about, on tennis, asperger's, knitting and other things .

so you see, it's not all moans and groans - also a repository of cyber bric-a-brac ;)

anyway.........the state of play right now:

- waiting for the other shoe to drop in the emotional vamp situation

- trouble at the weekend with new neighbours, which left me really distressed and disturbed

- considering moving house, and just the thought of that is stressful in itself

- a theoretical pleasant afternoon out yesterday(my first time out in the car for weeks) which turned into a nightmare, when the car gave up in the middle of the A1(which is a terrifying shit of a road as many people will know)....... no hard shoulder or layby or even strip of concrete to pull over onto: just a tiny bit of rubble beside a steep and very slippy grass verge........called AA - fortunately I had my mobile; but the sound of the traffic whizzing past was so bad I couldn't hear if I'd got through or not, so called police also...couldn't hear them either: called back and faintly heard policeman telling me to get into the car(which was not what I wanted to do, but did) so that I could hear on the phone......long story short, towed home by the AA complete with police escort......what a relaxing afternoon out :(

- already having tooth problems with a wisdom tooth coming in at each side(at the age of 53, am not impressed)and last night broke one of my front teeth: owwwwwwww.........fortunately had a dental appointment due so have got that covered, I hope......

- and just for the icing on the cake, a doctor's appointment on Monday to discuss tests for MS..........been explored before, more symptoms, need to see about it again.........

today's useful thing

swept, cleaned and mopped the kitchen floor, and chucked out a grotty rug. Doesn't seem like much, but is today's 'I am useful' thing. (I do think that 'I am useful' sounds better than 'I am not useless')

thanks, Heather........ ;)

'discovering' Radiohead

"I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here -
I don't belong here"

just a thought...

you know in the Peanuts cartoons, where Lucy holds the ball and pulls it away just as Charlie Brown kicks? That's what it's like with the emotional vampire.......I'm Charlie, keeping coming back for more, and she's Lucy..........

Star Trek saves the day for me/Klingons to the rescue........

.......just gave myself a smile: noticed I wrote 'boy crying worf' and of course it should be 'wolf'........'l' and 'r' aren't even close on the keyboard so I guess you could call that a Trekkian slip....... :)

she's back.......

....the emotional vampire: after allowing myself to be lulled into a false sense of 'security'(ie wishhful thinking) I got a letter today which is back to the same old, same old.......the boy crying worf scenario.

how much sense that makes to anyone I'm not sure but it's such a complex background that I can't begin to put it clearly in my head, let alone words or here. Suffice to say that after a long talk with my shrink several years ago, and describing the situation, he not only agreed with me but also understood my feeling this way and helped me feel ok about it.

for the moment I am doing nothing.......but I need to do SOMETHING and the time is approaching where I may have to cut off completely. Not easy when it is your mother.........

thank you......

((((((((((((((((((Heather))))))))))))))))))

memo to myself

I am useful
I am not worthless
I matter

Today I did a washing, swept the carpet, and made a spaghetti sauce for dinner, as well as other little things. I made myself get on with it.

So, I made an effort to feel useful; perhaps not a great amount of things in the great scheme of the universe, but nevertheless something.

I am sorting through my stash and looking at various ideas; I have started one or two things and am continuing with others.

I am keeping going.

Still the feeling of being lost and alone and so tired of it all persists. Trying my best to resist it.

Feel guilty for feeling like tbis, for grumbling. That doesn't make the feeling go away - it just compounds the guilt I feel over feeling this way in the first place.......

ok, mentally treading water, trying my best not to allow myself to become overwhelmed, and keeping going.

physical pain. ongoing and chronic, and fed up with it.

Missing my Duchess, missing H. Trying not to think about the death of those dear to me, past and future.

what a cheerful wee midden......

resolutions, and other things

inspiration from Knitty Fred......to match my stash to patterns, and (try) not to buy any more wool(yes, I still think of it as wool, whatever it's made of......trying to make myself say yarn, but am not there yet)

so, made a start this afternoon, and it was good, enjoyable....got the creative spark and juices flowing a bit, which was nice.

I've also started some crochet, which I'm liking; love the clover hooks, and the gorgeous knitpicks wooden one......

on another note: treated myself to some square circulars(from the US) and am finding them impossible to use: notn because of the squareness, ut because the cable is far too flexible - it's like trying to knit with cooked spaghetti. I know cables need to be flexible, but this is just impossible(for me) to use.......anyone else out there tried them?

just been playing a cd.....I'm going to blog about it on my other blog(yes, I have another one!) which is music based.....for anyone who might be interested, it's called

Colonel Carter's Cello

and with that I'll just wish a very happy new year and all the best to my 'regular suspects'(that's a compliment...from 'Casablanca')and to anyone who looks in or posts ...... you are most welcome here, thank you for visiting, and please do drop by again, either here, or over at the Cello..........