soothed by a dream

..........
making tea for Amelie, then walking with her, her arm round my shoulder, smiling down at me.......an image to close my eyes and see whenever I feel the panic rising.......

panic and confusion

everyone wants a piece of me and I can't cope

panic

everyone wants me to be something other than who and what I am and I can't cope

panic

all in little and bigger different ways till I wonder who I am and what I am and why

thank the universe for knitting

today

((((((((((((((((((((Heather and Amber)))))))))))))))))..........it really does help to have your support.......

the alpaca pi shawl for the hospice is coming on.....was doing a bit tonight but had to stop as it was making me all tearful; I think I might leave it for a little while and go back to it.

Remember the Mardi Gras Jitterbug from a wee while ago? It's turned into a lovely pair of fingerless mitts.....just one thumb to do and all done .....really bright and happy......someday when I can raise the energy and enthusiasm I'll have a photosession of lots of bits and pieces......

just remembered.......a wee while back I put a picture up of a lavender coloured pinwheel lapghan: that was for H., my friend who died. Sadly he didn't have long to use it........

very sad day

very dear friend died today. Closest thing to a best friend to me, going back many years, had been ill for some time and this was expected but still a shock when it happens. I didn't know whether to post here about it, but it might help......

have started a pink alpaca shawl for the hospice ......

I got a swift!

when I can get my head together I'm going to have a photo session.....lots of things: finished socks, in Opal Zirkus, finished alpaca bedsocks for A. in Inca Cloud ( supposed to be 'Electric Blue' but my idea of electric seems different...this is a darkish 'Scotland' blue: to me, electric blue is much brighter and closer to turquoise..anyway, they keep his feet cosy and help his circulation which is what matters)

and today's goodie....a swift, bought on ebay for - wait for it - £1....... it's an old but not antique one; made of metal, clean as a whistle, three arms with adjustable lengths, which folds down when not in use: the middle slots into a clamp which holds it on the edge of the table. I have just christened it and it was a delight to use.......really easy, looks nice, worked like a dream, and takes so much less time, even balling by hand.

I wound another recent ebay goodie - a skein of Jitterbug in shade Mardi Gras, and it looks gorgeous......edible!

any suggestions - socks? or socks? or socks? or should I be daring and do a scarf or some fingerless mitts?

all of which helped take my mind of having storm damage on the roof repaired this afternoon....

frogging, knitting, and tennis

having tried and frogged something(several times) a few days ago, and then done likewise today(another thing), it's definitely time for simplicity......so the plain old stocking stitch knee socks are out and being (hopefully) finished: one already done, and the second is half way up the leg. Perfect mindless knitting for not even having to look at, except the occasional glance, and needs no thought at all. Great for doing while watching the tennis.

The funny thing is - the colour is one I would not choose: it is SO not my colour....I'm a red person, and this is a weird mix of bright green/blue/brown /beige...but is Lorna's Laces(and I'd knit with LL in any colour) Got it in an ebay auction, and thought it would be just right for boot socks, as I didn't see the point in using a lovely colour for something which would be almost all covered up(I've found - for me - the perfect shoes for showing off socks: Doc Marten's Mary Janes. And they are heavenly to wear, too, which is nice)

so the odd colour is proving to make for an enjoyable knit all round - relaxing, useful, and knowing I won't be covering up a colour I want to show off.

I'm a women's tennis fan, but like to keep track of Andy Murray, so this afternoon's final between him and Simone will be worth a watch..the Auld Alliance of Scotland and France......

Right, back to Franklin's Panopticon(the name of the weird LL boot sock colour)

Oh, and I have a ganglion at the base of my right index finger: ow. I had one before, years ago, on the other hand, saw the doc, and it went away by itself, so I hope this one does too......worst finger for it; my main knitting/mousing/typing/you name it finger......

this and that

having frogged the same thing twice.....a cat's paw shetland pattern scarf.....it's dawned on me that it is just a wee bit on the 'too much concentration required' side for my state of mind at the moment, so am doing something simpler(another cat's paw, but just one up the middle instead of an allover pattern) So we shall see how that goes.

a treat in the post today.....a copy of Cat Bordhi's "New Pathways for Sock Knitters". Couldn't get it here to splurged on ordering it. I'm really looking forward to having a good mooch through it and then trying something.....love her stuff; she was my source of learning to do socks without driving myself bananas: ie using two circs.

So, many thanks to you, Cat :)

Sent a letter to the emotional vampire today - things at breaking point, and it had to be done. Not got the ability to say much about it, other than it's sad but necessary.......

a poem, sort of

The rain the rain is pishin' doon
And I have to go 'doon the toon'
This wee poem came to mind
As to myself I must be kind
It rhymes but doesn't scan
And thus reminds me of that man
Who wrote what some call doggerel:
William Topaz McGonagall
Catterel* is a better name
For crappy poetry that's lame
So off I'll go and get my mac
And put it on my weary back
(I mean the coat, not the machine -
Now that would be a sight to be seen)
And shuffle off along the road
My shopping trolley being towed
Along behind me, just in case,
The parcel's too heavy for my arms to embrace.

written by the Midden, on this wet Friday morning, and dedicated to Amber and Heather ;)

*definition of 'Catterel': rotten verse written by a cat lover who may or may not be able to do much better but enjoys messing about with words

thank you.......

...amber and heather....you're a pair of sweeties; this afternoon I put on my new tshirt(Star Trek of course....big picture of T'pol from Enterprise on the front), my new(well, new to me)jacket(remember those fruit salad chewy sweeties? think those colours, in stripes, with a bit of turquoise)and my own knitted socks(Lorna's Laces Miata)and went up to Borders and got three magazines, and some ink cartridges from PC World. And some sweeties.

Home, and watched some tennis, and knitted, and had the most gorgeous cat cuddle......Toty up across my front, chin resting on my shoulder, paw stretched out over my arm, so sound asleep she was snoring and twitching and dreaming. We'd just shared some custard(she had her own wee saucer) and had a dreep of custard on her chin. The perfect cuddle.

I'm going to write down everything which comes to mind about the situation, and take it from there......thanks for being there - it's a very real comfort.......

and there's more.....

got the most horrible communication from the emotional vamp this morning: shaking like a leaf......

so am going out this afternoon for a walk to clear my head, calm down, and buy something....just a magazine or a wee thing, but a cheer up.

f*ck it.

letter to myself

last night I wrote one......feeling that I am and have been a 'bad' wife, daughter, friend, everything; falling woefully short in every category in every way. Nothing of self pity in all this - just cold hard fact.
So what am I to myself? That's the £60,000 question.......and I don't - yet - have the answer, if indeed there is one.........

Mauresmo and Mars.......

breaking news...well, to me, as I'm the coo's tail(all behind)......Amelie is breaking from Loic Courteau, and snow is falling on Mars....

two things

which help keep my head 'above water'.........

knitting
learning to play mandolin

just posting to make sure I still can......

and so it continues...... :(

....... first my blog gets flagged as spam: now I've accidentally deleted my email account - any folks who keep in touch with me, would you email me at my gmail so I know, if you could, please?

my wee mind is boggling......down here in the midden it is a bit turbulent! Time to go and have a rummage in my stash and just look and feel pretty colours and wool......

testing testing.........

......to see if I can post - tried yesterday and was told that my blog had been flagged as a spam blog....WTF?

so let's see if this posts......

pinwheel lapghan, smelly sock, and dungbeetle scarf......

here's a picture of the pinwheel lapghan for my friend....picture doesn't so it justice wither colour or size wise: it's much bigger than it looks.
Lorna's Laces Happy Valley with a Periwinkle edging, and a single crochet happy valley to finish off.



and here's the wee catnip and valerian filled Lorna's Laces sock :)
For some reason this has typed in unerlined, and in pink...no idea why......

and this afternoon I wound a ball of laceweight alpaca - Mama Ocllo baby alpaca, beautifully soft, but oooooo the colour......I must have bought it in a sale I think; found it in my stash, and it is just the right thing for making the Pawprint Scarf before attempting the shawl, apart from the colour: I'm very much a bright colour gal - especially red; and this is called 'moss' but the name which springs to mind is dung beetle......could be why it was in a sale.. :)

and when it's all rolled into a ball, well, it looks just like the ball of dung that a dung beetle rolls.....

one successful baby sock.....

...I had one already done, waiting to have its partner made, which of course it doesn't now need: so, this afternoon I stuffed it with catnip and valerian and it is a huge success....... :)

only the best - Lorna's Laces pink stripe: will take a pic if I can sometime, but it will be all soggy and chewed......

just finishing a big pinwheel circle to be used as a lapghan for friend who is in the hospice: myeloma; very pretty, Lorna's Laces again, Happy Valley edged with periwinkle: nice and bright and cheery. Hopefully he can keep his knees cosy when he gets back in his wheelchair....leg problems right now.

Very dear longtime friend who has been a real rock to me over the years; he and his partner are just about the closest friends I have.

will try to get a pic of it when I've finished - I loved making it and hope that 'rubs off' when he uses it......

random ramblings

the socks for the cats were not a success......apparently everyone wants baby things from Gap and the like - can't help being disappointed......

Chris Evert is married to Greg Norman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I have been behind in reading the tennis blogs, but how the hell did I miss that one? WTF????????

the emotional vampire is doing her thing again.......

my concentration is crap - had to rip out one piece of knitting today, and then did four rounds on a sock before I noticed I'd been decreasing in the wrong place......

what else.......taken up the guitar again; just for me. Good feeling to go back to it.

well, I just felt like blogging a bit......

baby socks for cats and first try at dyeing

two pairs of baby socks for the open day at the cat shelter, to raise funds......hopefully more to follow. On the left - Regia Parrot. On the right - Regia cotton top. Basic rib and stocking stitch, from Cat Bordhi.



Also..first attempt at dyeing! Some wound balls of alpaca..all plain to start. I did each one separately, as a ball, but dropping it into about an inch of boiling water in an old pyrex coffee pot, and adding food colours, then leaving for several hours to soak up the colour.One using red and yellow, one plain blue, one blue with a touch of red. Great fun, and looking forward to trying skeins - I had these already to hand so it was just an experiment but takles forever to dry in a ball - even using a hairdryer :)

rain at Roland Garros......

......means reruns of Justine Henin's retirement, or footage of Anna Ivanovic practising/on an exercise bike/being massaged etc.......... :(

I know the tv companies can't do anything about the weather, but couldn't they have something a bit newer/different in stock? How about some profiles of the up and coming players, rather than the big names all the time?

meanwhile, I am 'waiting for Momo'........ :) Just had to get that in.......

JUSTINE HENIN TO ANNOUNCE RETIREMENT

......this afternoon, according to Sky tv..........

well done Saffy

I am so pleased for her.......not just getting to the final, having beaten Justine Henin and Serena Williams on the way, but beating Elena Dementieva in three sets to be the champion.

Here's hoping this is just the beginning for her......

Meanwhile Amelie has had to pull out of next week's Rome tournament, still with the rib injury; I am so sad for her, and hope she can somehow get well and back to form, and confidence. How I'd love to have her win Roland Garros......

Listening to Elton John just now, and remembering going to see him in Glasgow, many years ago, a midnight concert on my birthday that year. Birthday approaching this year......funny thinking back on all that time ago. Seems like someone else in many ways.

Some great concert memories......David Bowie in his Ziggy Stardust years, Leonard Cohen(three times), Jethro Tull(Ian Anderson inspired me to learn to play the flute), the Kinks, Run Rig, lots more.....

a wish list of those I'd like to see and some I wish I'd seen:
Leonard Cohen(again)
Melissa Etheridge
kd lang
U2
John Lennon
Madness
Tom Robinson
George Michael
Queen(with Freddie Mercury of course)
Jussi Bjorling
Cecilia Bartoli
Abba
Scissor Sisters
Rufus Wainwright
Bob Dylan
Dory Previn
Randy Edelman
Birgit Nilsson

Saffy! Saffy!!!! SAFFY!!!!!!!!!

the delightful Dinara Safina: yesterday she beat Justine Henin ...... which thrilled me to bits....and today she was playing Serena Williams: I rather like Serena, and expected her to win....but Saffy did it again!

Here's hoping this is the start of her rise to the top.......

YOU GO, GIRL!!!!!!

disgusting, revolting, unhygienic.....

....one of my pet hates: spitting, which goes on all the time in football(soccer) matches in the UK. It would soon stop if the referee yellow carded a player for it........

but it seems to have started in tennis too! Not women's........but the men are at it. Three separate times this week, in Monte Carlo, and three different players, two of whom are top ten ranking and one who was at one time.

Again, if the umpire issued a warning/docked a point, that would put paid to it, I think......

Vile, vile thing to do!

clueless and bagelled

I've been waiting for a chance to use that phrase(thanks to Diane on her blog "Women Who Serve" for it)........well, that was Andy Murray in his first set against Novak Djokovic this afternoon; he went on to win a few games in the second set, but - as the saying here goes - what a tumshie(anyone who wants a translation for THAT phrase, please let me know!)

I don't follow men's tennis so much, but I watch it if there's no women's on, and usually have a look to see how the Murray Mint gets on, being a fellow Scot. Truly, I think one has to be a bit of a masochist to be a Scottish sporting follower, whether tennis, football, or anything else.........ah, well.......

started a pair of plain ss socks in the Noro, and found a knot in it already, and I'm only about half an inch up the rib. Not happy about that.

other things on the go.......the bat scarf(onto my second bat), various socks, a shawl, a cowl, and a cat's paw pattern lace scarf......more than that but those are the ones which spring to mind........

knitting is good, is great, is soothing...helps take the mind off life's shitty stuff, like emotional vampires and other things......

camera.....and Noro.....

another attempt at a camera......let's see if this turns out ok: just a few experimantal pictures to try it out, and thought I'd show the ball of Noro Kureyon sock I got - the 'British' version, which has some nylon added, unlike the American one, which is 100% wool, and I've tried and found to be quite weak.




I haven't yet figured out all the different things to do to adjust the light etc - just wanted to try it......

I'm just going to do a basic sock to show off the colours.

I have a doctor's appointment for myself on Monday - I'm finding life a bit overwhelming at the moment so maybe he can help. Can't say that I'm holding any great expectations, however.......

Right, away to dig out a pair of circs and get the Noro started :)

progress

husband is going out for a wee walk daily - he's finding that using a walking stick is giving him strength and confidence; his balance has been affected a little, along with hearing(I suspect there's a connection there...we're still getting reports through from the doctors: it all takes a while)and the stick seems to give that extra bit of help.

It's been good to have a bit of pleasant spring weather too.....seeing the daffies coming up, and trying to think along those lines.....

and Amelie won again today, which is always a bonus :)

random good things

Amelie won her first round match at Amelia Island......so she damn well should, but that's beside the point :)

today's 'what can I focus on to help myself' tarot card is the 9 of Cups, anbd this particular deck (Gay Tarot) is especially nice for me - an astronaut leaning back in his chair relaxing, as his ship orbits the moon......great card(sometimes called 'the wish card') and very pleasant to use as a focus......

I've adopted a bat

.....not a real one: just a cyber bat. She's called Serotina, and she's lavender. She's at the bottom of my blog page, and if you click her, she'll fly round for you.

emotions

I don't know what title to put on this.......I feel a wee bit self-indulgent, but just need to say a bit about how I'm feeling today. Husband is doing well(touch wood) and was out for a wee walk earlier; having a rest before watching the football later on.

Me? I just had the most overwhelming rush of grief at the Duchess being gone.....suddenly missed her so much: I was cuddling her sisters, and it just came over me, and I'd to go away into the bedroom for a cry - still feeling wobbly; just emotional with all that's been happening, I know, but it was so sudden and like a big wave washing over me....quite scary.

I think I'll go and wind a ball of Lorna's Laces, or just have a look through the stash, and feel the wools.....need to do something 'nice'.

home :)

.......just a quick note: he's home, and we're taking things slowly, hopefully good improvement - talking, eating, just trying to get him to take his time, and to keep his spirits(and mine) up.....

more soon - just wanted to post a wee note for anyone who reads, and to say once again how much all the thoughts and kindness and prayers were and are appreciated.......

hugs all round........

saturday update

progress........had a shower by himself.....thanks for all the support.....

Thursday update

walking and talking a little better and more clearly, and eating a bit.....and managed a groan at hearing that his football team only drew...huge thanks to everyone for all the kindness.........

update

just a wee update and to say a big thank you for all the kind thoughts and prayers and messages....so very much appreciated.......

he is still quite confused and disorientated, but a bit more settled, and has been walking a little, with help; and he passed his 'swallow test' today.

still being assessed, still very much in limbo, but a little good news......

awful

my dear husband of over 27 years is in hospital having had brain haemmorhage and stroke...

gaun yersel, Andy!

Andy Murray beat Roger Federerererererer.......well done, the Murray Mint! And how cool and composed and calm he was.....

nerves of steel........

................that's what you need to have if you watch Amelie play......in today's match against Anabel Medina Gerigas Amelie won, in straight sets, but was 5-1 up in the first set before ending up winning it in a tiebreak.

Just lovely to see her again, and even better winning :)

I wonder if my 'sock vibes' helped....... ? You never know...... :)

Thanks to everyone who sent me such lovely compliments on the socks: very much appreciated!

socks for Amelie

at last.....pictures of the socks I made as a tribute/homage to my shero Amelie Mauresmo......they have been finished for a little while but I've only just managed to get pictures of them; I'd hoped to get better pictures, but these are better than nothing. I loved making them, and the colour is a graded shaded corally peachy shade......the nearest I could get to match the colour of the outfit she wore during the season when she won Wimbledon......

Here they are:



I took quite a few pictures but these two were the only ones which showed the shading clearly....on my feet :)

The pictures of just the sock(minus foot) showed the knitting quite well, but I'm glad just to have managed something.

The wool(yarn) was Trekking, have mislaid the ball band but the shade was something like 151; done on two circulars - I began on dpns and changed to two circs as I learned that method on another project and took to it like the proverbial duck to water. Size 2.75.

The fit me beautifully, and feel very comfortable.

In fact this is the very first PAIR I have ever completed, so I'm quite pleased with myself.

I've read that Amelie is feeling quite down at the moment, having lost in the Doha tournament mid-week, and I hope that in some way sending out 'sock vibes' might help a little.......sounds daft, but you never know. I made them with love and admiration, and sending feelings like that out can only be good.

(I also took pictures of some other things I have on the go but the pictures of everything else didn't turn out.......temperamental camera.......)

remember "Chariots of Fire"?

I wonder what Eric Liddell(a Scot born in China) would have thought of the ban on UK athletes speaking out about the human rights situation in China......and the abuse of animals(for example - stray and pet dogs being shot, in front of the people), which is mentioned less often.......

I wonder what he would have thought about those athletes agreeing not to speak out.........

I wish that even just ONE 'big name', or any of them, would stand up and be counted, and speak out.......

what's that? London hosting the Olympics in 2012?

Hmmmmm......surely that has nothing to do with it.......yeah, right.......

for an excellent blog entry on this, see:
http://womenwhoserve.blogspot.com/2008/02/henins-point-of-view-is-not-mine-either.html


a couple of links about Eric Liddell below, which may be of interest.....

http://www.rampantscotland.com/famous/blfamliddell.htm

http://www.eric-liddell.org/

a list of things which helped today, in no particular order

Frank Sinatra

a Cadbury's cream egg

Stargate, especially Colonel Carter in a very fetching outfit

knitting

sorting my knitting needles

temporarily putting away some things I find too upsetting to do right now

pizza

finishing a tub of Mackie's organic ice cream straight from the tub

Amelie Mauresmo winning her match today

thinking about playing some music(on an instrument)

Joan Armatrading's voice

feeling some angora wool

remembering Lily with the red hair

allowing myself to feel the way I feel

a big fat paperback in the mail - "She Bop: definitive history of women in rock pop and soul"

that's about all I can think of, but it's not bad........

a small moment of clarity from Star Trek

just came to mind.....something Seven of Nine said on several occasions......"You will adapt".......

that helped.....

Hard Time on Planet Earth

years ago I remember a tv programme called that......and it sums up how I am right now. I'm writing this to try to help myself a little, to stop myself from feeling guilty about feeling like this.......

I've never had such a low, bad, dark bout of depression. It's like being on the edge of a black hole, being slowly sucked in. It's frightening.

So, last night I decided to call my doctor and try to get to see someone. I did, they fitted me in this morning, and hopefully this is the beginning of some help.

Crying all the time, crying down the phone, crying in the doctor's office, crying in the street as I walked home, and I didn't give a rat's ass what anyone thought.

Sitting peeling layers of skin from my feet - drawing blood; trying to give myself physical pain to take the edge off the emotional and mental pain.

What a mess.

Thank you, Lou......

angels come in many forms. I know I've met one in Lou.......

Here are pictures of the beautiful Rainbow Memorial Blanket which she has made already, in memory of my wee Rainbow; it's going to the Cats' Protection League.

Lou, I can't thank you enough: I just don't have the words.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Lou)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Make it so!

.........but just WHO made them? Got to be Data......

not walking, but knitting........

the last time, thirteen years ago, the lovely old cat who left was helped away not by me: this was the first time I have ever done this, and it's brought another layer of 'something' on top of the grief. I can't put it into words except to say it's another layer of pain.

that last time, I used to go out walking a lot, and that helped a bit - now, however, circumstances are different, and I'm not able to do that; today I went on a mini 'frenzy' of finishing knitting in progress......got through three socks, two of which are the Amelie Mauresmo pair - I hope to try to get some pictures of them soon but for now I'm pleased to have them finished. And it's actually the first PAIR I have finished.

also had a good sort through my knitting needles, and tried to be ruthless, and sent away a big box full of needles and wool, to be knitted for charity things.........thanks to Lou of the Loving Hands Charity Knitting Group in Kelty for that: and a very special thank you to her as there is some Rainbow coloured wool in the package which I asked if she'd mind being made into cat blankets in Rainbow's memory: and not only did she not mind, she thought it was a lovely idea.

I couldn't have faced doing that myself right now, and hope to do some cat blankets when my head cleared a bit........

so, knitting rather than walking, but trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Like John Lennon said, "Whatever gets you through the night....." ...or day........

another wee step

a post about tennis........just in time to catch the second part of Henin and Sharapova this morning......yay Maria!

a start

my head wants to blog but my heart is just too sore - and numb at the same time......I suppose this is a start.........

thank you......

......so many posts and messages of help and support....thank you so very much, all of you....

more soon - I just needed to say how much these kind thoughts mean to me.....again, thank you all .......

broken heart - dear Rainbow is gone

awful day; had to have one of the cats put to sleep. My beautiful Rainbow......kidney failure, and the kind thing to do, but oh how it hurts......

she's the one who was partly in one of the pictures here a few weeks ago.

heart broken and sobbing my eyes out, though I know it was the right thing to do.

Beautiful stitchmarkers........

this is the 'Boobie' prize, and I am a very happy 'Boobie' :)


the middle ones - millefiore and rose quartz beads........

arrived in the mail today: my prize from Monica, on her blogiversary at "Chronicles of the Lazy Knitter"........absolutely gorgeous.......

many thanks, Monica, and long may you blog!

Australian Open has begun!!!!!!!!

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ought - schmought!

thanks for the reassurance, spinningfishwife, and also for the image: I shall tuck that away in my mental filing cabinet and pull it out whenever I need a chuckle :)

years ago I had a friend, long gone, a lovely lady much older in years but not in spirit, and I learned a lot from her; in particular, I remember her saying that when the word 'ought' came to mind, it usually meant I should stop and think about why I was going to do whatever it was: was it what I really wanted to do?

Her name was Nina, so I think I'll try to make a pattern and call it after her...she'd have appreciated that. I can almost hear her voice saying , 'Yes, dear', the way she used to, and smiling at me......

thanks for that, spinning fw: it was nice in many ways.......reassurance, recognition, and good memories.....

First one of the year - fearless :)

if anyone still looks in here - and I do hope they do - a very Happy New Year. Starting by doing something 'fearless'.......well, having added a 'fearless knitter' button, I felt I had to :)

I did something I wanted to instead of what I thought I ought to :
a three needle cast-off on a sock toe, instead of grafting.

And it turned out fine, I like it, and it suits the shape of my feet. I have long, thin pointy toed feet. Like a giant elf :)

So, boldly going, here in the midden! A fearless wee midden! Well, a start, anyway.

And I won a prize - gorgeous home made stitchmarkers, from Monica on her blogiversary, at The Chronicles of the Lazy Knitter......lovely to win something! Thank you so much......

Oh, and have fallen madly in love with Lorna's Laces......sigh......